How to Write a Sex Scene
Thoughts on which words to use (and not), what makes a sex scene good (at least for this author), and tips on how to get yourself to actually sit down and write one.
“I find sex scenes just so uplifting!”
Last night over dinner with a friend in Brooklyn, we were discussing sex scenes in books. I am currently writing a novel with quite a few of them and I was confessing this, which prompted both of us to laugh and my friend to make the comment about finding sex scenes in books uplifting. She went on to explain that she’d recently finished Beach Read by Emily Henry, which I’ve not read but apparently has a few good sex scenes in it.
This led to a technical discussion about the use of the word “nipple,” and how often this word (and body part) appears or doesn’t in a sex scene, and the various descriptors that accompany it—taught, stiff, erect, hard. I don’t think I’ve ever had a prolonged conversation over dinner about the word nipple before, but as with everything, there’s always a first time (especially with respect to things like sex).
I explained to my friend that in the sex scenes I’ve been writing of late, I’ve expressly challenged myself to avoid using this particular word, as well as certain other male body parts that just don’t strike me as very sexy or romantic, at least not for the purposes of the scenes between my characters. Also, I told her, I have a rule for myself about never using words like “core” or “molten” anywhere. Those words make me cringe, but I’m aware they are commonly used, and lots of people like them, so don’t throw darts. This is just my personal preference.
(Also, before I go any further, let me just give the caveat: I am just one writer among many doing her best to write a decent sex scene. Not a master or anything. Just somebody thinking about what works and doesn’t on this front, at least for herself.)
Our dinner conversation also made me think of another discussion I had once, with a writer friend who told me her own theory that the sex scenes women readers like best are the ones that include very explicit sex, but no explicit language. She theorized further that lots of women readers don’t love the word “ass” much, but they are totally fine, say, with the word “backside” or “bottom.” Of course, everyone has different preferences and it’s nice that we live in a time when there are sex scenes to accommodate a whole range of tastes and then some. And I think if I read a scene that referred to women as having “bottoms” it might ruin the scene for me (also, yes I recognize that “bottom” can be an important term in gay sex scenes), but I am perfectly good with backside, and it’s true that reading the word ass in a scene does make me wince a bit. I don’t love it or find it sexy. And while I’m all for sex on the page, I don’t love vulgar descriptions either. I’m not one for body parts being openly and graphically described as being shoved into other body parts for example. I’m there for the sex, but not for the explicit language, I suppose. But again, this is just me.
(It also seems timely to be talking about and celebrating sex scenes in novels of late, given that The Ripped Bodice, A Romantic Bookstore just opened in Brooklyn, which I am very excited about.)
Anyway, because of this novel I’m writing and all the sex within it, I’ve been thinking a lot about the different kinds of sex scenes a writer can write, and toward a specific goal—explicit, graphic, sexy (I know that may seem redundant but hear me out), romantic, perfunctory, depressing, even violent; how the age of a protagonist can affect all of this, like if they are teenagers or college students or single 30-somethings, married people, married people who are parents, middle aged folks. So many different factors to consider.
But I’ve also been thinking a lot about how I write sex scenes—and the fact that when I first started out as a writer, there’s no way I would have dared. It’s taken me well over a decade as a full time writer to have the guts to include them in my novels. It’s also the case that I’m still a bit daunted by what people will think of them once they are out in the world. But below is a bit of my own evolution of writing sex scenes, how I think about getting sex onto the page, and a list of some books with sex scenes that I’ve loved.
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