How to Write a Sex Scene

Thoughts on which words to use (and not), what makes a sex scene good (at least for this author), and tips on how to get yourself to actually sit down and write one.

Photo by Nicola Fioravanti on Unsplash

“I find sex scenes just so uplifting!”

Last night over dinner with a friend in Brooklyn, we were discussing sex scenes in books. I am currently writing a novel with quite a few of them and I was confessing this, which prompted both of us to laugh and my friend to make the comment about finding sex scenes in books uplifting. She went on to explain that she’d recently finished Beach Read by Emily Henry, which I’ve not read but apparently has a few good sex scenes in it.

This led to a technical discussion about the use of the word “nipple,” and how often this word (and body part) appears or doesn’t in a sex scene, and the various descriptors that accompany it—taught, stiff, erect, hard. I don’t think I’ve ever had a prolonged conversation over dinner about the word nipple before, but as with everything, there’s always a first time (especially with respect to things like sex).

I explained to my friend that in the sex scenes I’ve been writing of late, I’ve expressly challenged myself to avoid using this particular word, as well as certain other male body parts that just don’t strike me as very sexy or romantic, at least not for the purposes of the scenes between my characters. Also, I told her, I have a rule for myself about never using words like “core” or “molten” anywhere. Those words make me cringe, but I’m aware they are commonly used, and lots of people like them, so don’t throw darts. This is just my personal preference.

(Also, before I go any further, let me just give the caveat: I am just one writer among many doing her best to write a decent sex scene. Not a master or anything. Just somebody thinking about what works and doesn’t on this front, at least for herself.)

Our dinner conversation also made me think of another discussion I had once, with a writer friend who told me her own theory that the sex scenes women readers like best are the ones that include very explicit sex, but no explicit language. She theorized further that lots of women readers don’t love the word “ass” much, but they are totally fine, say, with the word “backside” or “bottom.” Of course, everyone has different preferences and it’s nice that we live in a time when there are sex scenes to accommodate a whole range of tastes and then some. And I think if I read a scene that referred to women as having “bottoms” it might ruin the scene for me (also, yes I recognize that “bottom” can be an important term in gay sex scenes), but I am perfectly good with backside, and it’s true that reading the word ass in a scene does make me wince a bit. I don’t love it or find it sexy. And while I’m all for sex on the page, I don’t love vulgar descriptions either. I’m not one for body parts being openly and graphically described as being shoved into other body parts for example. I’m there for the sex, but not for the explicit language, I suppose. But again, this is just me.

(It also seems timely to be talking about and celebrating sex scenes in novels of late, given that The Ripped Bodice, A Romantic Bookstore just opened in Brooklyn, which I am very excited about.)

Anyway, because of this novel I’m writing and all the sex within it, I’ve been thinking a lot about the different kinds of sex scenes a writer can write, and toward a specific goal—explicit, graphic, sexy (I know that may seem redundant but hear me out), romantic, perfunctory, depressing, even violent; how the age of a protagonist can affect all of this, like if they are teenagers or college students or single 30-somethings, married people, married people who are parents, middle aged folks. So many different factors to consider.

But I’ve also been thinking a lot about how I write sex scenes—and the fact that when I first started out as a writer, there’s no way I would have dared. It’s taken me well over a decade as a full time writer to have the guts to include them in my novels. It’s also the case that I’m still a bit daunted by what people will think of them once they are out in the world. But below is a bit of my own evolution of writing sex scenes, how I think about getting sex onto the page, and a list of some books with sex scenes that I’ve loved.

A little history.

I remember when I was nervous to even write a kissing scene. My first novel, The Possibilities of Sainthood, is YA (young adult), and its premise involves my protagonist trying to get that first kiss out of the way, so I knew that eventually I was going to actually need to write a kissing scene. I dreaded this task. When I finally got to the point where I had to go and do it—I needed to write the damn kissing scene—I remember how I went and sat on this couch in the living room, and faced the wall, like some kind of child hiding. I felt like covering my face with my hands, and if I hadn’t needed my hands to type I probably would have. I remember my cheeks burning and I also remember thinking:

There is no way I am EVER writing a sex scene. NO. WAY.

Writing makes us vulnerable indeed, and writing that kissing scene made me feel pretty vulnerable. When we write, we’re often exposing our deepest feelings, desires, beliefs, sharing past experiences on the page, which can make us nervous and embarrassed, even when we’re writing fiction. But the best writing empowers us to be vulnerable and open, and our writing ideally becomes a place where we can speak the truth, whatever our truth may be.

This is especially true when it comes to writing about sex. When we write a kissing scene, we are often exposing how we like to be kissed, or how we wish someone would finally kiss us. Some circumstances will call for us to write about how we don’t like to or want to be kissed, to describe a failed encounter, or even an awful one.

So writing even a kissing scene makes us vulnerable, for the way it exposes some our deepest desires, our best, most intimate moments, or the experiences that failed us. We draw from all of it—what we’ve lived and also what we haven’t lived, what we wish we could live and what we wish we could unlive too.

Now over the years and after a lot of practice at writing in general (and writing lots of kissing scenes specifically), I finally broke this promise I made to myself all those years before that I was NEVER writing a sex scene and, um, well, I wrote my first ever sex scenes (!!). And it turns out the world didn’t end and my laptop didn’t self-destruct. I also stopped blushing eventually.

Analysis of my very first sex scenes (I can’t believe I’m going to do this but here goes, with annotations and everything).

My first sex scene appeared in my fifth novel (also YA), The Tenderness of Thieves. Before writing this substack piece, I literally had not looked at it since the book came out in print over 10 years ago. But in honor of this piece, and because I became curious what in the world I wrote for my first ever sex scene, I brought the manuscript up on my laptop to (GULP) see what, exactly, was there. It turns out there are two sex scenes in this novel: an almost-sex scene that’s pretty sexy I think, and then a sex scene where two, heterosexual characters actually do the deed.

I decided to share them below because apparently I’m a bit of a masochist, and we can all learn from my mistakes (Hooray!). I don’t think they are too bad. Though there are a few seriously cringe-y moments, which I’ve highlighted and marked for your reading enjoyment. (And I will mention here, because it still cracks me up, that a very handsome Argentine friend of mine once decided that, of all my books, he was going to read this particular novel, which he only told me after the fact, while giving me this wide-eyed look, that I interpreted to communicate in a single stare that he and I were both now aware that yes, he had read my sex scenes. BOTH of them.)

Scene #1: The Beach Sex Scene

One thing to note, before you take a look: my protagonist’s love interest is named Handel. Yup like the composer (cringe-cringe!!!) and there was a whole reason as to why. Just get the laughter out of your system before you start reading. And for context: my protagonists have just eaten dinner on the beach—he’s cooked for her in this little beach shack situation on the water. Yes, very romantic and cliche. (It’s pasted below in two parts, but the scene is continuous.)

When I go back and reread this, I am not completely horrified. I am probably most dismayed by the HEAVING OF CHESTS business. (Ugh, ugh.) But given that it’s truly my first attempt ever at writing a sex scene, and it does involve a bit of nudity and some teen girl-forward desiring which I’m glad to see, I feel mostly okay about it.

(You, however, are welcome to do additional critique below in the comments as you see fit!)

Sex Scene #2: The Bedroom Sex Scene

Here comes my attempt number two, from later on in the same book. This is where my protagonist is about to have sex—and does, for the first time. (The excerpt is also pasted below in two continuous images with my lovely annotations.)

So, I’m not totally hiding under the blankets right now or anything after reading this. I just have them slightly up over my face. I do think that with experience and practice (kind of like as with life), I’ve improved on the writing of the sex scenes in later books. Because it’s also true that since this first novel when I ventured into sex scene territory, I have also ventured there in virtually ever other novel I’ve written since

Okay now, IT’S YOUR TURN, DEAR READER. If you’ve never taken the plunge and tried writing one yourself, and much like life and sex . . .

In the end, you’ve just gotta dive in and experiment.

Because your novels and your stories may indeed benefit from one. And your reader may love you for it too.

And now that I’ve bared my own writerly sexual past, and after having written many subsequent sex scenes than the ones I’ve shared above—some playful, some very serious, many loving and hopefully transporting, in addition to what is apparently the “bleakest sex scene” my UK editor for The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano said she’s ever edited (but also loved its bleakness), sex scenes have become a common feature in the novels I write. Even my rom-com that’s coming out from Harper next June, Stefi and the Spanish Prince (yup, it takes place in Barcelona and it’s got royalty in it, I couldn’t help myself), has sex in it (royal sex obviously).

It's gotten easier each time I’ve written one of these scenes, and it feels more obvious to include them in the stories I tell, since sex is just a part of living our lives. But my best advice if it’s your first time is to read lots of sex scenes that you’ve liked to figure out what you like about them. Like go back into those books and study those sex scenes. (Aren’t I giving excellent writerly homework today?)

Here’s a few questions to consider as you do your sex-scene homework:

• In what kind of context does the sex scene takes place? (Like, where are people? A beach, a public place, a bar, in someone else’s bed, etc? Is it one time thing, is it within a committed relationship, is it an affair?)

• What sort of emotion does it provoke in the characters? (Satisfaction, pleasure, regret, anxiety, laughter, happiness, etc..)

• Are people drunk/sober? Do they know each other well/not at all? Is it the first time or the hundredth? How do these factors affect the scene?

• Look at the terms the author uses. (Yup, the actual language and words used to describe body parts, various activities, the progression of things.)

• Does any moment or line or term make you cringe, and if so why?

• Do you wish that you could put yourself into this scene? Like, would you be very happy if you were having this particular sexual experience and if so, ask yourself why? (This is probably the biggest determining factor for what makes a sex scene good for you, specifically.)

• What led up to this moment? Have you been waiting ages for the characters to finally do it, so it’s particularly exciting? (Because good sex scenes have everything to do with character development, satisfying story and plot, anticipation, intrigue, desire fulfillment, the whole kit and keboodle.)

These are just a few of the things that I think about when I’m trying to decide what I think of a sex scene that I’ve just read (or that I’m writing in my own novel.)

And speaking of reading sex scenes and deciding which ones we like.

Here are a few books with sex scenes I’ve loved . . .

1. All books by Helen Hoang, but especially the THE KISS QUOTIENT. Um, I’ll just start by saying WOAH, I’m not worthy. Also, I could never pull off the kinds of sex scenes that Helen Hoang does, and masterfully so. As a writer, she’s got serious guts. I think she’s written maybe the best, most explicitly detailed sex scenes I’ve ever read, that didn’t also turn me off or make me cringe at any point. I am just admiring of her talents on this front. Go Helen Hoang.

2. GRACELING by Kristin Cashore. This is a YA novel where sex happens offstage (it’s implied, but not shown, at least not quite so explicitly). But I include it here because it has one of the hottest, most erotic romances I’ve ever read. All of Kristin’s books have amazing romances in them actually.

3. Also, pretty much anything books by Casey McQuiston have good sex scenes in them—lesbian, gay, and just in general. I did love (like everybody else) RED, WHITE, AND ROYAL BLUE though, which is now a really fun movie on Amazon.

4. Finally, I’ll mention ANNA K: A LOVE STORY by Jenny Lee, a YA retelling of Tolstoys’ Anna Karenina, which has one of my favorite romances ever, and some amazingly well-done, very steamy yet also very tasteful sex scenes, probably some of the best I’ve ever read in a YA novel.

There are so many more great examples in novels I’ve read over the years that I could write an entire piece just listing them out (and maybe I will do just this at some point.)

And one day soon I’ll write more on this topic, since I have sex scenes on the brain these days. Maybe I will try to answer one of my own burning questions, which is this: Is there such a thing as too much sex (in a novel at least)?

Okay, that’s more than plenty for now, people. I hope you have a great first September week! And please share any and all thoughts (just keep them respectful, thank you.)