Writing & Healing: The Value in Writing a Rom-Com while Grieving

Why turning to laughter, romantic antics, and silliness can be a balm for the soul during loss. (Plus details about a November 11th online event on the same topic.)

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Sometimes we just need to crack ourselves up.

I know I do, on a regular day. But ever since my father died last summer, I’ve really been needing to make myself laugh. And one of the ways I’ve been indulging this need, is by writing not just one romantic comedy, but by writing two.

And it’s done wonders for my broken, grieving heart.

For a period of about nine months before my dad unexpectedly passed away, I’d been going back and forth with my editor at Harper, planning the next novel we would do together. I mean, she read drafts of sample chapters for different ideas, we zoomed to discuss, I played around with new samples and she read some more, we zoomed, rinse and repeat. Then we finally settled on a very dark drama about two sisters, one dead, the living sister determined to find out what happened to the sister she lost. I was very excited to write this story and my editor was very excited for me to write it too.

Then I lost my dad.

And, among all the other things I was dealing with because of this tremendous lost, somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt: there was no way I was going to write this novel she and I had so meticulously planned and plotted. There was no way I could possibly do dark and dramatic, never mind, plunge into the depths of despair caused by the loss of a sister on the page. I was already wallowing in those depths in my very real life.

The months passed.

My deadline loomed.

I got in touch with my editor, not only to ask for an extension, but also to ask her a question I was almost afraid to put out there: After all that planning and plotting, would she be okay if I, um, completely threw that idea into the garbage and instead wrote a rom-com set in Barcelona? Because I didn’t think I could possibly write the book we’d planned after losing my dad.

My amazingly wonderful editor responded by telling me: A rom-com in Barcelona sounds wonderful—go for it!

So I did. And can I just tell you: writing that rom-com (which will be coming out next June) was about as good for my soul as it gets?

Every morning, I got up and went to my novel, my only job to bring romance and silliness and one of my favorite cities in the world to life on the page. I threw my heart and soul into coming up with all the antics and situations my characters would face in their romantic escapades and lighthearted dramas, and most of all: I threw my heart and soul into cracking myself up.

My novel became an escape, a balm, a joy in the middle of so much darkness, and best of all, a source of giddy laughter on my part.

I always turn to my writing for help, for healing, for catharsis and for meaning. But sometimes I lean on it like it’s an opportunity to put up a one-woman comedy show with myself as the primary audience.

Because sometimes what we need from our writing is simple: the chance to smile again. And it was good for me to remember this. So good it turns out, that when I finished this rom-com, I turned right around and started a second one. Which I am now about 3,000 words away from finishing.

These two impromptu rom-coms following my father’s death have carried me like a bright and cheerful life raft across the storm of sadness that has been this last year. I know that rom-coms are often considered the most feathery light of genres on the literary front, but to me, they can become heavyweights in the midst of our grief, stepping valiantly in between ourselves and the blows of loss to soften things.

All this to say:

Sometimes we write through.

Sometimes we write around.

And sometimes we write ourselves straight onto a bright sunny beach, with a polka-dotted pinwheel umbrella over our heads and only endless blue water on the horizon and we are better for it. Even a little bit more healed than we were before.

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And speaking of writing and grieving . . .

My friend Amy Scher and I have been engaged in an ongoing conversation about writing & healing ever since we became friends. This November 11th, we are holding an all day writing workshop on the topic, which is open to anyone, writer or no. Full details below—we’d love to have you join us!

Online: Transforming Grief Workshop

Using Energy Therapy, Journaling, and Letter Writing for Healing

with Amy B. Scher & Donna Freitas

Nov. 11th from 11am to 5pm (Eastern)
Recordings included

Full day Zoom workshop
Class: 11am to 12:30pm ET
Lunch: 12:30 (1 hour break)
Class: 1:30 to 3pm
Break: 3pm (30-mins)
Closing: 3:30-5pm

An Intimate & Uplifting Day

Clear heart-centered blocks holding you back and work through unresolved grief for a powerful healing experience—all in a fun and loving community.

Guided Energy Therapy

Using Amy's energy therapy techniques, you'll gently release stuck emotions, clear old beliefs, and open your heart up for vibrant healing.

Journaling Practices

With introspective journaling tools, we'll walk you through finding deeper meaning and healing through your experiences around loss.

Letter Writing

Discover the healing power in letter writing (even if you never send it). Through thoughtful prompts, letters can catapult your healing.

All online, recordings included.

Sign up here. We hope to see you there!